Lately, something exciting has been happening
Words have failed me
Circumstances have grown too
Complex
Nuanced
New
For me to easily summarize
At times I’ve felt inadequate
A writer should have the words but
Most words feel
Like they ruin everything
The way colleagues of mine express themselves on Substack has been
Almost so much that they no longer have meaning
If I read another think piece about the open road being a sort of
Open ended paradise
I’m gonna throw up
I love that I am venturing beyond my own cliches
My own loops
My own stereotypes
I’ve written on my Substack for long enough that I’m tired of how simple life appears to be on there
I’m so hopeful
So destined
All of the time
It’s like
I no longer need this crutch of an attitude to continue forward
I’m learning to accept more of what’s not
Black and white
And also
Constantly growing
Shifting
Moving like a motion picture
Not standing still enough for words
I’m starting to question what I think writing is even for
Which I am pleased with
I’m shedding this
This brand of myself
As an artist
We’re all artists
Why do I need the title?
I have found myself lately asking better questions
Of myself and others than having good answers
Cool
The wholesomeness of the Internet feels like a version of me that’s been deleted
Even though I see myself right there
In fragments of my own past story
It no longer owns me now
Somehow
Words are more of this malleable thing that
Fills in only what isn’t spoken with my body
Like how I was told good film writing should be: Visual storytelling mostly then dialogue should only be
What context illuminates the situation that body language can’t provide
I’ve come into a habit of sending my lover wordless videos of me in nature after what is becoming our daily mid day phone call
He doesn’t make me feel like I need to explain myself ever
Our dynamic has begun to show me all the ways in which
How we communicate out in public
In society
With business associates
Or strangers
Or even friends
Is so
Overcompensating
For something that’s just not there
A caring about the other person in the moment
When you don’t just want to be present with them
You try and entertain them
Mostly to entertain yourself because the connection
Isn’t really there
Meanwhile both of you are working so hard to prove that you’re valuable
I find myself still doing it sometimes but then I encounter somebody who’s deeper in that beat than I ever was
And I remember oh
This isn’t necessary anymore
Let’s keep working on finding a whole new purpose for these words that come out of my mouth
Or onto the screen