Last night, I had all the right words and no fear
And all terror
I had a cocktail for the first time in 3 years
A good cocktail that reminded me of the nuance of Lost Lake
I had forgotten where cocktails lead me
Down a path to having the words to express to the people I need to express them to
But it feels like all fire and no mercy
It’s a
I just gotta get it out
Energy
I used to fully not trust myself at all with it
Hence the completely cold turkey not drinking
But last night
I was all noble as I communicated fully with a female friend in the exact way she needed me to
And I texted a professional ally
Essentially saying
Could we really be allies?
Is that possible?
Could we do something professionally together rather than just be listening ears when we’re going through the hard stuff of what we do?
As I lay in bed last night, I got the spins
They were subtle spins but ugh
I’m good
I don’t need to return to that place often
Not really ever again
I now know I can trust myself there
But
New Orleans and drinking is not for me
That already had its time in my life
It’s 7am the next morning
And I’m listening to the birds chirp in the courtyard and the light clicking of the keys on my phone as I type this
I’m a small reach away from my three beverages: soda water, ginger beer, and coffee
I’m comfortable but bleh
Today’s double is going to be something else
Do I have regret about how I spent my night last night?
No
I think that’s how it was all supposed to play out
Will I do it again
Like that
No
Writing this is the only way I’d like to taste that life twice
I hope my friend who wakes up to that text message responds
I hope my friend who I encouraged finds a little more faith in herself today
All of it is out of my control
And there is a timeline in the future in which I’m brave enough to do all that without a drink
That’s where I’m headed
That’s where I am now
I’m feeling everything, you Pisces Moon
Damn
Astrology’s real