Dear Writer Director Letter #102

One time, somebody in a Neo Futurist writing for performance class told me, point blank, there’s more to life than boys and writing. I remember thinking in that moment in response, “Is there?”

Both Photos by Iris Azalea.

Dear Writer Director,

One time, somebody in a Neo Futurist writing for performance class told me, point blank, there’s more to life than boys and writing. I remember thinking in that moment in response, “Is there?” I’ve been listening to the song “Ordinary Day” by Vanessa Carlton on repeat. The lyrics to that song reverberate new layers of meaning to me today, April 13^th, in the wake of that powerful pink full moon. The lyrics that haunt me especially are, “Did he ask if I’d come along? It all seemed so real. But I looked to the door, I saw that boy standing there with a deal, and he said Take my hand. Live while you can. Don’t you feel dreams I write in the palm of your hand?” It all seemed so real. It all seemed so real. People are really hurt these days. Those who are not in happy marriages are so fucking wounded by past carelessness and misunderstanding and exposures to way too much information convincing us people are narcissists or sociopaths or simply cheaters.

People are shellshocked by how many bad experiences they have had in the past. It’s hard to have hope for anything romantically with anyone, especially when our parents or grandparents have significant trauma that haunts us in that realm. That’s so many of us. I love “Ordinary Day” by Vanessa Carlton. I think she’s a genius. She’s so in touch with herself and how simple and magical it is to be human. That song especially gives me so much hope. I know I go around this world taking things in that I like and thinking about them and holding them close to me deeply. I cannot be the only one doing that. I feel like I still struggle to artfully communicate those depths within me. It’s so normal to just play cool and pretend like you don’t care about anything. “Ordinary Day” is about seeing each other fully and saying hell yes to each other on a long-term investment level.

One time, somebody in a Neo Futurist writing for performance class told me, point blank, that there’s more to life than boys and writing. I remember thinking in that moment in response, “Is there?” Having complex and deep romantic relationships since I was in my early 20’s taught me a lot about being human. It also taught me a lot about myself. I’ve complained in past letters about the hellscapes of some of those dynamics, but in the end, I’m grateful for how they all molded me and made me resilient. There were many shared smiles and hot sex and frustrating fights and crying silently and separately beside each other in movie theatres as it dawned on us both that our union was over. There could have been more dancing. There could have been longer, more understanding talks. A lot of those relationships should have ended years before they did, but that’s life, and I’m so lucky that I am 36, and that I had the chance to really fuck around and find out before the pandemic halted us in our tracks. I’m so damn lucky that I got to be an idiot in a world that didn’t judge me all that hard.

All I want is for this world to find romantic love again. Bring back knights and their ladies. Bring back standing outside of bedroom windows holding giant boom boxes and offering one’s self up fully. Bring back love poems, and flying across country at a moment’s notice to be with the one who makes it all worthwhile. Bring back good men risking “being creepy”. Bring back the opposite of Love Bombing: Love Professing after careful consideration. Let the world dance in the streets like everybody in The French Quarter on a Sunday night when they don’t want to get up for work the next day. Bring back getting married anyway even if you might end up divorced. Bring back love at first sight. Bring everything human and messy and good to the forefront of all of our minds. I met a couple in their 70’s who are getting married next week. They were so happy to have found each other. Bring that back en masse. Bring back assuming people have the best intentions.

Dear Writer Director, I have this growing feeling like my days as a single person are numbered. When I took a look at my new shower for the first time, there were mens’ hair shampoo and conditioner just sitting on the shelf. At some point in your journey, you will find yourself here after dating breaks and healing from past heartbreak and enduring the audacity of many fuckheads who had no idea what they actually wanted from you in the first place. Give up on trying to know how it’s all going to play out or even who it’s going to be. Honestly, as much as I have had strong feelings for certain people in particular, I have no idea. I could be right. I could be wrong. To quote my Internet pal musician Calvero, “It’s a matter of time.” No matter what you do just keep waiting it out. Never settle or throw in the towel because you’re sick of waiting. It’s way too important of a choice. It’s one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

Is there more to life than boys and writing? 36-year-old Olivia says yes, but first, you’ve gotta really deal with those two things in order to get to the other side.

Love,

Olivia